Archive for June, 2010

Grandma- College Herald Entry

Your beautiful, smiling face. So bright and welcoming, so happy and fulfilled, is my safe haven. Your embrace, so full of love, so secure, the best place I could ever hope to be. Your spirit is uplifting, you’re a joy to everyone you meet, your positive energy is infectious.

Everybody loves you, your heart is full and constantly giving, your life is filled with love.

But then disaster strikes… A lump. One small lump to cause such grief. The lump spreads across your body, firstly to your Lymph Nodes and from there it becomes unstoppable, getting worse and worse.

Before long you’re sicker than ever, the treatment breaks you down and our hearts break more and more every day. Why you? You’re such a beautiful person, you shouldn’t have to endure this pain. The inevitable soon comes, you were strong, but not quite strong enough to beat Breast Cancer.

That’s the story of my Grandma’s battle with breast cancer. The Breast Cancer Foundation is one to be supported 100%. Everyday they are one step closer to discovering a miraculous cure for the ruthless and deadly disease. They can help people such as my Grandma, who passed away from Breast Cancer 9 years ago, to find their feet, have support and feel safe in the knowledge that the New Zealand Breast Cancer foundation is there to give them hope. Breast Cancer is the most common disease among women with 2,600 women being diagnosed with it each year. If you support the NZBCF then you are helping them fund ground-breaking research to get us closer and closer to minimizing those statistics. The Breast Cancer Foundation not only help fund research, medical grants and scholarships, but they focus their attention hugely on stressing the importance of early detection. They help save thousands of women every year simply by helping them become aware of how to properly examine themselves to stay safe. I recently discovered that a very close Aunt of mine has been diagnosed with breast cancer, therefore increasing my passion for the Breast Cancer Foundation and my mission to raise awareness and gain more and more support for the NZBCF. As individuals we have so much power to make a contribution to society, and a great way to do that is by supporting the New Zealand Breast Cancer Foundation.

June 29, 2010 at 5:46 am Leave a comment

Today was a good day.

Today worked. Today I accomplished what I woke up and set out to accomplish at 6.30am this morning.

I was healthy.

I know that sounds ridiculous because that is something that should come so naturally and easily to me, but it actually requires a lot of effort and will power to make it through just one day without slipping up. It’s like a vicious cycle.. I crave food, I eat, I feel terrible and want to cry but then I figure what’s the point? too late to go back now… and I eat some more.

Today I broke that cycle and it wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be. How did I avoid temptation? By walking away.
“Just walk away… Just walk away… Just walk away…”
It works, instead of cutting myself a massive slice of Lemon Meringue Pie that my mother baked this afternoon, I walked away and made myself a cup of Green Tea instead. I just told myself that by not having any, I wasn’t torturing myself by restricting my intake and already knowing how great it tastes.

I’m happy to say that I have gone this full day eating nothing but healthy, nutritious food and it feels absolutely amazing to have achieved that 🙂 Now I know I can get through just one day, I feel like I can really get back on track and keep this up like I already did for so, SO long.

Not only that, but I sat down today and really really thought hard about how I overcame the Winter hump last year with my exercise and then I remembered how I’d done it.

My grandfather has a large property in his back yard which up until very recently has been a tennis court. He decided that because it was rarely used, he’d take the tennis net out and leave it as a very large and tidy property. Last year during winter when I didn’t want to stray too far from my house or go all the way to the gym I’d set up a circuit on the tennis court and put together a 35-45 minute playlist on my Ipod and do something different for each song.

I did that today, I exercised for 45 minutes and then rollerbladed for a further 10 before it was dinner time. I felt great 😀 I think I’ve found the antedote for my winter blues and the future is looking bright. Already within 24 hours I’ve made a change that makes me feel happy and relieved.

Thank you, internet, for simply providing a place for me to vent my emotions and make important realizations about myself.

Expect more from me in the way of progress. Now I plan to hit the sack and get some seriously good sleep.

Goodnight!

June 22, 2010 at 10:08 am Leave a comment

I don’t know why I’m messing around… I know I’m responsible for my own happiness.

I have been so depressed lately and I keep whinging and moaning about wanting to find happiness and I’m really starting to annoy myself.

I KNOW how to find happiness for myself, I know EXACTLY where to find it. I need to start taking CARE of my body. When I eat right, exercise regularly and get enough sleep I am the happiest girl in the world. I don’t know why I’m mucking around and complaining here on my blog, offloading my issues to people who I’ve never met. Time to get my act together and get it right.

I’m going to visit my father in 2 weeks and I’m so embarrassed about the habits I’ve adopted and my self-esteem is just in the dirt… I’m going to set myself a very public challenge. Since I’ve already shared half my personal life with the people of the interwebs, why not?

I’m going to set a challenge to regain happiness and find that space where I’m content and happy with who I am. I’m not quite comfortable enough to blog about personal AS stuff like weight and waist measurements… But I’ll be keeping that to myself as an incentive.

I need to makeover my life and start making my way back to the person I used to be. I was so so happy and so confident, those days were the happiest I can remember. I know I’m capable of change, I’ve already proven to myself before that I can make a positive change, so now it’s time to do it again. It’s winter and I hate the cold so that makes it more challenging than ever, but I need to prove it to myself that I can do it.

IT’S NOT TOO LATE TO MAKE A CHANGE.

June 21, 2010 at 9:02 am Leave a comment

A Letter To Myself

You need to stop being so hard on yourself, you know you have the ability to change and make a difference in your lifestyle for the better.
You CAN resist those temptations, you’ve proven it to yourself already! You CAN make a change, you’ve done it before.

You need to remember that true change and results takes time. It’s a slow process, all compiling of little baby steps. You’ve taken the first step by admitting there’s a problem. You’ve taken the second step by experimenting with different foods and plans to help improve your lifestyle.

The key is to know your limits. Know when you’re full and don’t push it from there, don’t eat just coz you are bored or want the taste of food in your mouth. Just stop, relax, breath and ask yourself if you really need that food.

Start looking to your family in particular for support and strength to help you make this change. Even though you’re not fat and your family tells you that, make sure they understand that it’s the psychological aspect that is most important. Maybe let them see that blog post you wrote the other day? Just get them to understand.

You CAN do this, You ARE strong enough and you ARE beautiful.

You’re taking steps to caring properly for your body which shows you’re already halfway there.

June 19, 2010 at 8:39 pm Leave a comment

The Abuser- Creative Writing

Here’s a little something I’ve been working on. It’s a different approach to writing than I’ve taken before, let me know what you think of it an how it makes you feel. Keep in mind that it’s not finished yet, I still have A LOT to go.
COPYRIGHT.

It’ll eat you alive.
“Can you tell me exactly what happened?”
There’s no escape, you only get sucked deeper and deeper into the pit of crap.
“Explain how he did it..”
There’s nothing you can do, they’ll eat you alive and you’re left with only your soul, torn and broken, merely a shell of what it used to be.
“I need you to tell me the full truth ok? Don’t leave anything out”
They pretend to be nice, they pretend to be on your side, but in reality? They’re all the same, thinking I’m just another messed up girl, making up crap to get revenge.
I guess though that yes, I was just another messed up girl, and yes, revenge would’ve been sweet, but my story? That was far from crap.
Isn’t it ironic that the people who most deserve to suffer are often the ones who suffer the least?
And those who don’t deserve it, rarely get the justice they want and end up suffering due to lack of?
It’s funny, isn’t it?
We’re ruled by a government who wouldn’t know true abuse if it hit them in the face. They don’t understand that abuse goes so much deeper than they think.
Emotional abuse.
Physical abuse.
Psychological abuse.
Each is horrible and traumatic. At least with physical abuse though you can take it and maybe even fight back, but emotional and psychological abuse? Nothing can compare to the horror in those.
The abuser breaks you down to a painful point where you lose all respect for yourself. You start believing the shit that they say, and eventually become just a hollow shell, devoid of feeling and respect, unable to survive on your own. And that’s when the abuser knows they’ve got you.
It’s a vicious cycle and very few can resist it. It’s hard to resist because you don’t see it coming, the abuser ‘grooms’ you, lulls you into a false sense of security to make you feel safe and loved. Then slowly they begin to change, it’s a slow change and you don’t pick up on it for a while, but then you do start to notice it… you tell them things are wrong, you try to get things back to how they used to be, but it never will be because it wasn’t real. This, now is what’s real.
They manipulate you and convince you that it’s all your fault, you made this happen and you’re just not good enough. You might get mad at first but the abuser is quick to nip that in the bud by threatening to leave you. This doesn’t sound bad but it’s a slap in the face because you didn’t realize it, but you’re in love with them, they groomed you to depend on them. The shock and the fear of being alone grips you and you apologize madly, truly believing it’s your own fault and you beg for forgiveness.
They string you along, play with your head for a bit longer before eventually “accepting” your apology, you think they’re amazing for taking you back, all the while they’re smirking quietly to themselves in satisfaction. 1 to the Abuser, 0 to the victim.
One they’ve “forgiven” you, they tell you nice things about how much they love you, how beautiful you are, how you ‘complete’ them… Just to make sure you don’t get bored and risk slipping off their little finger.
You delight in the kind words and feel that familiar rush of love and happily think to yourself that maybe it was just a small glitch and that now things will go back to the way things were, back to normal.
But then they push you. Just out of the blue one day. You standing and having a conversation and all of a sudden they become unresponsive, their eyes bore into yours, into your soul, and then with one swift motion and a lot of force, they push you and you fall to the ground.
Tears fill your eyes and you look up in disbelief, you look up in shock. You yell at them, you want to know why they did that, what did you do?
Then they cover their ass, they apologize, help you up, hug you, tell you how much they love you and then tell you it was just a joke.
You get mad, you want answers, and that’s when they turn it around, turn it on you and make it sound as though it’s all your fault, tell you you deserved it and YOU should be the one apologizing to them, not the other way around. After a few minutes of arguing, you’ve become deluded and convinced that they’re right, you are in the wrong and deserved it, you apologize profusely and beg them not to leave you. They storm out, leaving you, a teary-eyed mess, behind to pick through your guilt.
You text them an hour or so later, apologizing again, saying you’ll change, you’ll be a better person… Although you’re not entirely sure what you did wrong to begin with…

To be continued…

June 18, 2010 at 4:57 am 2 comments

I have absolutely GOT to make a change, I’m wrecking myself :(

What I’m about to discuss is a very very delicate and sensitive topic for me. Please keep that in mind when reading, it’s not easy for me to open this up to the public…

I am so so down in the dumps and miserable right now… I don’t know what happened to myself. For over a year I’ve been happy, healthy and body confident, but a month ago I lost all motivation and willingness to help myself and kept making excuses for my bad eating habits and lack of exercise. I blamed it on winter, but I know that if I was truly determined then the cold would not phase me.

I don’t know what to do, I haven’t hated my body so much in well over a year and I don’t know how to drag myself out of this rut. I went to the gym the other day and left feeling amazing and I know that it takes patience and persistence to start seeing changes and results, but I won’t see any results if I don’t drastically alter my diet.

I am so horrified and embarrassed to admit that I have become a junk-food junkie. I eat far, FAR too much sugar and processed foods, my skin has been breaking out, I feel lethargic and lazy and bloated. I never thought I’d become this kind of person but I’ve been sucked into this horrible black hole of junk food and laziness… It’s become too much to stop straight away.

I’ve tried to quit sugar cold turkey many times but I always fail. I’ve tried to “ween” myself off sugar, but I lose control and end up bingeing… Today I’m proud that I’ve made a conscious decision to accept responsibility for my bad habits and I managed to stop myself before I ate something I’d regret, but I really really need support right now. This is reaching a critical point for me and I don’t think anyone could truly understand just how much this is bringing me down.

If I don’t get my shit together, I see depression in my very near future.

If you have any advice, suggestions or just general support to offer, please PLEASE do not hesitate to message me. My ears and heart are always open.

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June 16, 2010 at 11:56 pm 4 comments

Thankful for Great Opportunities

I know I haven’t updated for a while but I’ve been super busy! I’ve been doing all I can to make things happen for myself and that has kept me SERIOUSLY busy. But, after all my efforts, I am proud to say that I have scored some FANTASTIC opportunities for myself! 😀

There are two major things that have happened and I’m very very proud to say that I went out and made them happen for myself by being productive and proactive, it’s helpful to know that I’m working actively towards becoming the person I want to be, which is a self-sufficient, productive and efficient worker.

Firstly, I received some excellent news today…

I’m sure the vast majority of you will know of this magazine…?

Girlfriend-cover_800

Well about 3 months ago I emailed 9 different New Zealand run Magazines to ask if they’d ever consider allowing me to write a piece for their magazine. I had ONE reply from one of them to tell me that “sorry, can’t help, this magazine is finishing, good luck in your endeavours”. I was hugely disappointed because that magazine was by far the most important one to me and shall remain unnamed. I was extra disappointed to find that 3 months later they have NOT finished and are continuing to publish copies with no signs of finishing.

Thanks guys.

Anyway, today I received a very special email from the Editor of Girlfriend Magazine 🙂 They offered to let me write a piece in their “Real Girl” section about my blog! I won’t say too much more because I’ll scan the article once it’s printed and you can read more, but I am VERY excited about this opportunity! AND they’re letting me write it myself!

Yay for getting my name out there!

The other HUGEEE opportunity I have been totally BLESSED to have come upon is to earn my place as a team member on the Just Write Project. It is a scholarship that is only available to 10 students throughout the whole of New Zealand. It involves training in media and journalism, all expenses paid trips to Wellington and Auckland for training, a chance to have my work published in New Zealand Media, a chance to learn how to create different forms of media and work with a bunch of experienced and talented journalists.

How exciting is that?!?

There’s a bit of a story behind how I scored my place actually…

When I heard about the Just Write project, I was amped as and thought it sounded write up my alley, but then I discovered that the application closing date was three days prior 😦 However, undefeated, I emailed the woman in charge of applications and asked her if she’d consider a late one and she said that I was in luck because her email wasn’t working properly and she was having applications coming in late anyway. She’d consider my application if I could have it to her by the next morning at the latest. So that gave me less than a day to pull it all together.

The application required a character reference, fill in the application form and complete 2 pieces of writing between 200-500 words long on 2 of the topics they give you. The choices were:

  1. Who’s your all time favourite person in the world and why?
  2. What’s your earliest memory?
  3. What do you think is wrong with the world?
  4. What do you think is right with it?
  5. What global issue do you think most affects your local community?

I chose “What do you think is wrong with the world?” and “What global issue do you think most affects your local community?”, I wrote about obesity for the global issue and manipulated my “Body Image and the Media” article to fit the criteria for what I think is wrong with the world.
It was nothing but sweet relief when I sent my application in, although I felt disappointed that I hadn’t done the best I could. If I had been given more time I would’ve made it fantastic.

HOWEVER! A few days later I received a congratulatory email, saying I’d gotten a place on the team!! I was so so happy 😀 I responded immediately to secure my place, and now I just wait to hear back about when we begin!

So you see, it pays to ask 😉

There is loads more happening in the world of my aspirations in journalism and I’m actually having a go at a new angle of writing right now.. I’m trying my hand at writing a novel. I won’t tell you about it because it’s rather personal, but it sort of started out as a zone for me to write whatever I felt like and surprisingly enough the words just seemed to flow with no problems. I’ve never been able to easily write a fiction piece before. It’s quite an exciting project for me but it’s just that, a project for ME. I don’t have any plans to share it with anyone other than those immediately close to me. It’s a chance for me to creatively express myself and where I am in my life at the moment.

I have a few new articles to start researching from once I get passed some serious school work I’m loaded with right now. I have assessments galore and they take precedents over leisure writing, but I am writing a small piece to send into the beacon and for the school newsletter about the Just Write Project, so I’ll scan those hopefully and publish them on here for all of you to see 🙂

I hope you’re all well, and expect to see some exciting new topics and articles coming your way soon! I have inspiration brewing… Expect good things soon.

Goodnight!

xoxo

June 14, 2010 at 7:51 am Leave a comment

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Introducing…

Hey there, my name's Jenny. I have a huge passion for cooking/baking, writing, yoga and photography. I love nature and my favourite thing to do is spend an entire day outside, breathing in crisp, fresh air. Even better if I have a pen and paper with me. I started out running in March 2009 but sustained an injury in October 2009 which has unfortunately prevented me from running. I've been experimenting with other kinds of exercise to find another one that clicks. Follow me on my journey to maintaining good health + surviving high school and pursuing a career in Journalism. I Hope you enjoy reading my blog!

Questions? Comments? Email me at jennyeatliverun@hotmail.com

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